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| Miso Horny: Curbfeeler's Jailhouse Correspondent 11/00 |
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| This is Curbfeeler’s official inmate correspondent Miso Horny reporting from inside the San Bernardino federal correctional facility. This is where you read interviews with some very disturbed federal inmates just for fun. This interview took place in the central detention center in San Bernardino, Ca. The names have been changed to protect all of us (especially me — Miso Horny). | |||||||||||||
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| Subject: Jacob "happy cart" Doe Age: 32 Weight: 205 Heght: 5’7" Charge: Bank Robbery Sentence: five years and some change Place of arrest: Honolulu Hawaii Present hairdew: Seattle Fresh Tatoos: none Intelligence: dim candle |
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| Miso: O.k. raise your right hand do you swear to tell truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God? Jake: Um I will yes (looks very confused) Miso: Whats up Jake how you feeling right now? Jake: All right I guess. Miso: OK, dude, tell me about your case. Jake: I robbed a bank Miso: Why? Jake: I needed money because somebody stole my wallet. Miso: From where? Jake: I was camping at night and somebody cut a hole in my tent and stole it. Miso: What? Why were you camping? Jake: I had just gotten to Hawaii and I didn’t have anyplace to stay so I bought a tent and camped on the beach. Miso: What happened at the bank? Jake: I just handed her a letter and she gave me some money. Miso: What’d the letter say? Jake: It just said, "Give me some money, I have a gun," and when she read it I lifted up my shirt. Miso: What kind of gun was it? Jake: Just a bb-gun, I bought it at the Sports Authority. Miso: And then what happened? Jake: She put some money on the counter. Miso: How much was it? Jake: $11,200 Miso: is it true that you tried to get away on a mountain bike? Jake: Yeah, I left it around the corner. Miso: OK, so what happened next? Jake: I got away and then I got an apartment over near McGully shopping center on Limu St. Do you know where that is? Miso: Um no. Jake: Oh yeah, and then I bought another mountain bike and a nice T.V. My landlord kept seeing me come home with all this stuff. I think she was watching me. Miso: Didn’t you pay her four months rent in advance in cash? Jake: Yeah, so. Miso: Don’t you think that might have tripped her out a little? Jake: I don’t know. Miso: So anyway, how did you get caught? Jake: My landlord turned me in after she saw me on Crimestoppers. She recognized me from the surveillance tape. She got a thousand dollars for turning me in. Neat, huh? Miso: Uh, yeah, I guess so. Didn’t you wear a disguise or anything ? Jake: I wore a black hat and sunglasses. Miso: OK, one last thing, I heard something about a dog. What’s up with that? Jake: Yeah, I thre w it off a bridge. Miso: Whoah, that’s fucked up. Jake: Can I have my candy bar now? (I promised him a candy bar if he did the interview) Miso: You’re not all there, huh Jake? Jake: Give me a candy bar. (With a real commanding voice) Miso: OK, but on one condition: don’t ever come near me again. Jake: Ok. Needless to say, I slept with one eye open watching Jake for the next week until he got transferred to another facility. Plus: Jake’s not getting out for five years. Next time I’ll interview a gangbanger or some other upstanding pillar of society! Until then may all your wishes be champagne kisses. Over and Out ---Miso |
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| Prison can be a lonely place (for a hot chick). We at curbfeeler would feel personally elated if we could facilitate some inmating. Let us know if it works out: | |||||||||||||
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